19 Sokolov St.
Holon
April 8th 2010
Station Manager
The Voice of Israel'
1 Mote Gur St.
Holon
Dear Sir/Madam,
I am writing this letter because I wish to suggest a program which I though(sp.) of. I tend to call it 'The Lottery'. I believe this program has the potential to become(gr.- of becoming) a hit among teenagers around the ages of 15-17.
The program basically consists of a regular lottery in which a few songs are chosen out of hundreds. Each day there will be a different exclusive genre played. Every week will be dedicated to a different specific genre. For example, Sundays will play 'KISS' and Mondays will play 'Queen' and so on. The specific songs will be chosen by a lottery so every song has an equal chance for being played.
The program will make teenagers listen to it because of their expectations that their songs will be chosen. If not, they still have a wonderful full hour of listening to new songs and deepen their knowledge in music. The program will be delivered with some sense of humor to sweeten the listening experience even more. I believe this program can be educational as well. The broadcaster will explain throughout the program what happened to the specific band between different albums and educate the listeners about using drugs and how harmful they are (How are drugs related? You need to explain the connection).
That is pretty much my idea of the one-hour long program you plan. I am really looking forward for a program like this and I am sure it will attract many teenagers if managed well.
Sincerely Yours,
Fubar Ryan
I like it.
(97)
Daphna
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Trip
The Gadna's week purpose is to show what is waiting ahead for those 11th graders once they become 18 and join the army. Approximately 270 students from 11st classes(the 11th grade), and me between(ww.) them, went on to experience a once in a lifetime week. During those days we did a variety of actions, starting with cleaning the toilet and the kitchen and ending with firing a couple of rounds with the M-16 rifle. I can say in confidence that I wouldn't trade this experience with nothing(ww.).
We left school at the very morning of Sunday(phr.), heading for the camp located in Sde Boker, Negev. It couldn't be possible not to feel the exciement around the other students and the teachers as well. We, the students, fed ourselves up with enormous expactations and suprisingly we didn't get disappointed(phr.).
By the time we arrived, the commanding officer had introduced us to the staff and the base. We were divided into groups of 20 and started our week right after then(ww.). During that week we did(ww.) a wide variety of actions(ww.). We cleaned the kitchen and the toilets, did some running, made friends with the COs, talked about IDF's casualties all along the wars and on top of the(מיותר) that, we shot 11 rounds with the M16 "arocch" rifle. This was one of the best weeks I have ever had in my whole life.
To sum up, this experience has truly been remarkable. I've come to meet and befriend with students I've never seen before in my school and other students from other schools as well. I did get the general ideas aobut(sp. and ww.) what the army is all about and I feel I'm more preapred for it. Final thing to say(phr.), to all those young guys who are reading this- don't allow yourselves to miss this remarkable and unique week for nothing(phr.).
Not bad, for someone who hasn't actually been there....
(83)
Daphna.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
A letter of complaint
Where is the beginning of your letter? adress, date...?
(Dear Sir/Madam,)
I am writing this letter because I wish to complain about the poor and unsatisfying service I received in your hotel. The service I recieved completely contradicts all your promises according to your site and advertisements.
I would like to begin with the rooms and the meals. The second I entered my room I was astounded. The blankets were misorganized(ww.) and the toilets didn't smell clean, the TV didn't work well and the airconditioner pulled out heat(phr.- what do you mean?) instead of cold. I felt like the whole world was crashing on top of me. It was in this hotel that I finally realized the saying "The higher your expactations are the more you get(ww. - are) disappointed". I would also like to mention the meals. They weren't as bad as the rooms, but they weren't as good as what you led me to believe.
(Dear Sir/Madam,)
I am writing this letter because I wish to complain about the poor and unsatisfying service I received in your hotel. The service I recieved completely contradicts all your promises according to your site and advertisements.
I would like to begin with the rooms and the meals. The second I entered my room I was astounded. The blankets were misorganized(ww.) and the toilets didn't smell clean, the TV didn't work well and the airconditioner pulled out heat(phr.- what do you mean?) instead of cold. I felt like the whole world was crashing on top of me. It was in this hotel that I finally realized the saying "The higher your expactations are the more you get(ww. - are) disappointed". I would also like to mention the meals. They weren't as bad as the rooms, but they weren't as good as what you led me to believe.
The second thing I would like to relate to in this letter is convincing me that your hotel was something more than what it really was. Deep in my heart I have the feeling I was literally conned by your website and advertising. I was led to believe completely diverted and untrue facts about the hotel.- what is your point in this paragraph?
To sum up, I feel I was disgraced and misled by you and your staff. I demand an immediate refund delivered to my account. Nowadays, I am seriously thinking over(ww. - about) taking legal actions against your hotel. Be advised, I am not planning to stop here and it's not the last time you'll hear from me.
Sincerely yours,
Kobi Tav
Better, but there are still a few problems, mainly in your phrasing. Please go over it again.
(82)
Daphna
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
I am the BEST
15 Leaders of the Nation st.
05/02/2010
"Mada" Organization
1 Mote Gur st.
Holon, Israel
Dear Sir/Madam,
I am writing to apply for the recently opened paramedic position.
As requested, I have all the official certifications and I personally believe I am perfectly suitable for this job. I succesfully passed CPR courses, I am a good student and I have the will to contribute and achieve. I am 17 years old and I am (an) 11th grade student in Kugel High-School.
I find this oportunity very interesting and challenging. I believe that this job will test my skills. I am a person who is attracted to challenges. Another reason for joining your ranks is the fact the I find the challenges offered very appealing. The fact that we help and support the sick and helpless really makes me feel like I am making a diffrence. This feeling is priceless to me.
One requirement that I lack, though, is experience in the field. I am barely 17 and I've never done anything like that, but I believe that my strive for exellence will compensate the shortages(ww. - my shortcomings). My skills also include working well under pressure and being detail oriented. Fitting in won't be a problem for me as well. I work well with a variety of people and have a good attitude and work ethic(s).
To sum up, I believe that what you are looking for and what I am looking for sound like a match(phr. - I would like you to rephrase this whole first sentence). I am patiently looking forward for a reply from you. I can also be reached at the numbers metioned at the bottom of the letter.
Sincerely yours,
Kobi Tavdish
052-1234567
This is better. Well done.
(95)
Daphna
05/02/2010
"Mada" Organization
1 Mote Gur st.
Holon, Israel
Dear Sir/Madam,
I am writing to apply for the recently opened paramedic position.
As requested, I have all the official certifications and I personally believe I am perfectly suitable for this job. I succesfully passed CPR courses, I am a good student and I have the will to contribute and achieve. I am 17 years old and I am (an) 11th grade student in Kugel High-School.
I find this oportunity very interesting and challenging. I believe that this job will test my skills. I am a person who is attracted to challenges. Another reason for joining your ranks is the fact the I find the challenges offered very appealing. The fact that we help and support the sick and helpless really makes me feel like I am making a diffrence. This feeling is priceless to me.
One requirement that I lack, though, is experience in the field. I am barely 17 and I've never done anything like that, but I believe that my strive for exellence will compensate the shortages(ww. - my shortcomings). My skills also include working well under pressure and being detail oriented. Fitting in won't be a problem for me as well. I work well with a variety of people and have a good attitude and work ethic(s).
To sum up, I believe that what you are looking for and what I am looking for sound like a match(phr. - I would like you to rephrase this whole first sentence). I am patiently looking forward for a reply from you. I can also be reached at the numbers metioned at the bottom of the letter.
Sincerely yours,
Kobi Tavdish
052-1234567
This is better. Well done.
(95)
Daphna
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Poland- Realistic or Imaginary?
1 Mote Gur
Holon
December 3, 2009
Mrs. Gilat Simon
Kugel High-School Principal's Office
1 Mote Gur street
Holon
Dear Ms.Gilat Simon,
I am writing to you because I wish to complaign(sp.) about the requested price for the trip to Poland. I personally know a significant amout of students that wish to join the trip but can't afford the high costs.
On the one hand, you cliam that the trip to Poland is highly important and is a MUST for every student, but on the other hand, the price you name is way beyond what most students can afford. The trip's duration is 8 days. I think that if I go by myself I will pay much less than the price you name. Because of all that, I am starting to believe that, maybe, the trip isn't organized and planned efficiently enough. I truly believe that if you really want to help you can pull some strings and lower the price significantly.
This trip is an important journey to our nation's history. I believe every student should be given an opportunity to go on this journey. Seeing all those students that can't fulfill this desire to experience, explore and learn because of an unrealistic price, truly makes me upset. I'm sure that if some efforts are made, the price will go down significantly and I'm sorry that nothing is being done about that.
The problem being said and explained, the next step is to arrange a special comittee in the ministry of education that would examine the problem and eventually offer solutions. After that, I truly expect that some changes will be made in order to reach the goal which is- lowering the price.
Thank you for reading this letter.
Truly yours,
Kobi.
Excellent work. You are really improving.
(100)
Daphna
Holon
December 3, 2009
Mrs. Gilat Simon
Kugel High-School Principal's Office
1 Mote Gur street
Holon
Dear Ms.Gilat Simon,
I am writing to you because I wish to complaign(sp.) about the requested price for the trip to Poland. I personally know a significant amout of students that wish to join the trip but can't afford the high costs.
On the one hand, you cliam that the trip to Poland is highly important and is a MUST for every student, but on the other hand, the price you name is way beyond what most students can afford. The trip's duration is 8 days. I think that if I go by myself I will pay much less than the price you name. Because of all that, I am starting to believe that, maybe, the trip isn't organized and planned efficiently enough. I truly believe that if you really want to help you can pull some strings and lower the price significantly.
This trip is an important journey to our nation's history. I believe every student should be given an opportunity to go on this journey. Seeing all those students that can't fulfill this desire to experience, explore and learn because of an unrealistic price, truly makes me upset. I'm sure that if some efforts are made, the price will go down significantly and I'm sorry that nothing is being done about that.
The problem being said and explained, the next step is to arrange a special comittee in the ministry of education that would examine the problem and eventually offer solutions. After that, I truly expect that some changes will be made in order to reach the goal which is- lowering the price.
Thank you for reading this letter.
Truly yours,
Kobi.
Excellent work. You are really improving.
(100)
Daphna
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
George Stoyonovich is the main charachter in the story "A Summer's Reading". He is a 20 year old unemployed young man that(ww. - who) lives with his father and sister. He dropped out of school at the age of 16 and hadn't(gr.) done much since then.
The fact that he dropped out of school and hasn't been able to progress in life for the last 4 years, shows that he is probably imature, lazy and dependant. He comes from a non-usual(ww.) family, his mother's(is) out of the picture and (his) father doesn't seem to be involved in his life. His sister, on the other hand, helps him and tries to push him to do something with himself. George grew up in a low-class neighborhood, the apartments were small and moldy, the train was right besides them and the general atmoshpehere was somewhat home-like(what do you mean? How is this poor, low class neighborhood home-like?).
The fact that he dropped out of school and hasn't been able to progress in life for the last 4 years, shows that he is probably imature, lazy and dependant. He comes from a non-usual(ww.) family, his mother's(is) out of the picture and (his) father doesn't seem to be involved in his life. His sister, on the other hand, helps him and tries to push him to do something with himself. George grew up in a low-class neighborhood, the apartments were small and moldy, the train was right besides them and the general atmoshpehere was somewhat home-like(what do you mean? How is this poor, low class neighborhood home-like?).
As mentioned before, George dropped(out of) high-school early and hadn't(gr.) done much since then. He doesn't have any sort of diploma or work experience. The least thing he can do is reading(gr.) and enriching(gr.) his knowledge, but it seems like he is caught in a routine of doing nothing and finds it very difficult to do something productive. At some points of the story we can see that Mr.C gets very close to george. It seems like Mr.C really manages to get into George's head and even influence him. His sister is also helpful in her own way. The fact that she motivates George by telling him the truth in front of him(phr.) drives him to change his condition(not accurate).
Although I believe that we are the ones responsible for our own future and George is the main one to blame for his condition, I feel compassion for him. When he dropped out, he was only a kid, a teenage boy who didn't know crap(phr.) about life. He didn't get any support at all, not(ww. - neither) from his friends and not(ww.- nor) from his family. His life was(gr.) rough, and he isn't the only one to blame. George, obviously, did many mistakes in his life. The biggest one was that he didn't find a way to progress his life. he didn't get a steady job or basic education and after 4 valuable years he ended up doing nothing. I hope he will end up reading those 100 books, like he promised, and finally get a job, earn some money, try to progress. I certainly believe he'll do just fine.
(87)
Daphna
Please correct your work. The whole point of our work is to learn from mistakes...
Daphna.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
The Eyes of the Dragon
"The Eyes of the Dragon" was written by Stephen King and published in 1987. It's a fantasy book that describes a "classic" battle between good and evil. The story takes place whithin a kingdom called "Delain". It's written and told from a perspective of an unnamed story teller. The story is full of struggles and battles, scams and conspiracies and of course, a lot of magic.
There are 5 main characters involved in the story- King Roland, Queen Sasha, Prince Peter, Prince Thomas and the magician and king's advisor, Flagg. Right at the beggining of the story we witness Flagg's evil ambitions, his goal is to take control of the kingdom. He starts with his succesful attept to end queen Sasha's life while she's giving birth to Thomas and contiues with the poisoning of King Roland. The two princes develop into 2 complete different men. Prince Thomas who is intelligent, wise and handsome and Thomas who is chunky and clumsy.
The turning point of the story occures when King Roland is poisioned and Prince Peter (is) framed for the murder. Peter is sent to a tall tower and Prince Thomas, the younger brother, recieves the throne. Due to his very young age, 12, it seems that it is much easier for Flagg to manipulate him and get the kingdom's condition to relapse. Peter finally finds a creative way to escape the prison and take back the throne he deserves. After a long struggle, the two brothers overpower Flagg and he flees. From that event, it seems that the power balance changes; the good seems to overpower the evil.
In my opinion, the book is very well written, although it took me time to get used to the writing because I'm not used to read fantasy stories. The characters are well written and the story manages to keep up at a good pace. One fact (that) did disturb me though, is that the book seems like it was written for children; The "classic" villain that tries to gain power by manipulations and the "classic" hero, that opposes him and tries to eliminate his ambitions. Sadly, I felt the story wasn't sophisticated and intensive enough for me, but it was good and well written anyway.
Much better, Kobi. I enjoyed your review.
(97)
Daphna
There are 5 main characters involved in the story- King Roland, Queen Sasha, Prince Peter, Prince Thomas and the magician and king's advisor, Flagg. Right at the beggining of the story we witness Flagg's evil ambitions, his goal is to take control of the kingdom. He starts with his succesful attept to end queen Sasha's life while she's giving birth to Thomas and contiues with the poisoning of King Roland. The two princes develop into 2 complete different men. Prince Thomas who is intelligent, wise and handsome and Thomas who is chunky and clumsy.
The turning point of the story occures when King Roland is poisioned and Prince Peter (is) framed for the murder. Peter is sent to a tall tower and Prince Thomas, the younger brother, recieves the throne. Due to his very young age, 12, it seems that it is much easier for Flagg to manipulate him and get the kingdom's condition to relapse. Peter finally finds a creative way to escape the prison and take back the throne he deserves. After a long struggle, the two brothers overpower Flagg and he flees. From that event, it seems that the power balance changes; the good seems to overpower the evil.
In my opinion, the book is very well written, although it took me time to get used to the writing because I'm not used to read fantasy stories. The characters are well written and the story manages to keep up at a good pace. One fact (that) did disturb me though, is that the book seems like it was written for children; The "classic" villain that tries to gain power by manipulations and the "classic" hero, that opposes him and tries to eliminate his ambitions. Sadly, I felt the story wasn't sophisticated and intensive enough for me, but it was good and well written anyway.
Much better, Kobi. I enjoyed your review.
(97)
Daphna
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